Getting a girlfriend is hard – 3 reasons why

Has anyone ever asked you that dreaded question?

So…are you dating anyone yet?

My grandma used to ask me this all the time. To her, it was an innocent question, as she saw all of my 10+ cousins pairing off around their teenage years, and many of them would even bring their “special someone” to meet her (which, in my family, is a BIG deal – because once grandma knows, everyone knows).

But to me, this question felt like rubbing sandpaper on my open wound. Of course I wanted to take part in this tradition, and introduce my girlfriend to grandma. But that was like step 20, and I couldn’t even get past step 1! (a.k.a  talk to the girl) So I couldn’t help but feel that something was seriously wrong with me, because all of my cousins made dating seem so easy.

But in fact, dating is not easy, and there are TREMENDOUS forces at work against us.

#1: comparing ourselves to others

When I was younger, I compared myself to my cousins, many of whom got married to the person they were dating in high school. Now, we all compare ourselves to literally everyone we’ve ever met, through social media, where your cousin is out with his girlfriend on Snapchat, some random guy you met once is getting married, and your college crush is having a baby.

#2: difficulty meeting new people

If you’re not in school anymore, it takes actual effort to go meet new people. At the end of a long day at work, eating a burrito and watching Netflix just seems so much more enticing than possibly getting rejected or feeling creepy when trying to meet new people or approach women.

#3: unrealistic expectations

Speaking of Netflix, our technology has completely warped our expectations. There are thousands of movies and TV shows on Netflix where people are falling in love in about 1 to 2 hours. And there are millions of porn videos where people are having sex within a few minutes of meeting each other.

Plus, it doesn’t help that you can lose hours of your life checking out hot, tattooed girls on Instagram, or that there’s an entire industry of dating coaches telling you that you can have the girl of your dreams tonight, if you just do these 7 things (my links are never that baity).

So we all want that girlfriend NOW.

Live Webinar: How To Be Less Needy and More Magnetically Attractive

Tuesday, March 14th at 5:30 PM (sign up to get a link to the recording)

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And we already have strong desires as men – I mean, I could go for little somethin’ somethin’ right now, but all this information slapping us in the face just makes it worse. Because back in the day, you couldn’t meet “miss perfect” at any time of day. But now, with online dating, we are all thinking that we could just be one swipe away from our perfect match.

So we become little monsters – we want her now, we want her to be perfect, and we get angry when she’s not in our lives already.

And that kind of entitlement leads to tons of frustration, and then neediness, which is super unattractive. A healthier perspective is to recognize that it is tough to date, because of everything above, and to understand that it takes work to be a sexually attractive man. Particularly in the domain of unavailability (the opposite of neediness) which is much harder to cultivate nowadays, because we are so connected and accessible to each other.

To be unavailable, you really have to fight your urge to reach out to her all the time. Even when you find that great article that she would really love, even when you haven’t heard from her for longer than usual, and even when you wake up at 5 AM and can’t go back to sleep because you’re SO turned on thinking about her.

If you’re always available, you are not letting her enjoy the anticipation of hearing from you. Everyone has heard the phrase “distance makes the heart grow fonder,” and it’s true, but it applies to more than just physical distance.

So how do you do it? How do you cultivate unavailability? Well, there are 3 main ways.

  1. Reduce your overall media consumption, and favor “slow” media like books, to condition your mind to a slower pace for romantic endeavors.
  2. Don’t allow your phone to distract you unnecessarily, and be specific about when you allow yourself to text her back or use social media/online dating.
  3. Take time to plan an exciting social life, so you’re not scrambling to come up with plans at the last minute. If you have something fun on your calendar, you’re more likely to get out and have actual human interaction, instead of just being a silent observer at home.

I know, I know – this is just scratching the surface, and you want more details.

Amin, don’t just tell me what to do, tell me how to do it!

Well you’re in luck, because I’m SUPER excited to announce that I’ll be doing my first LIVE webinar this Tuesday, at 5:30 PM. For the first 30 minutes, I’m going to go in-depth on these 3 strategies and give you the how, no – show you the how (via video chat and screen sharing), and finish with 30 minutes of answering your questions about dating (put them in the chat throughout the webinar). To join me on Tuesday (and get a link to the video recording), just enter your name and email below. Talk to you then!

Live Webinar: How To Be Less Needy and More Magnetically Attractive

Tuesday, March 14th at 5:30 PM (sign up to get a link to the recording)

Full name*



How to be a sexually attractive man – the 5 key signals

Most guys don’t get the results they want with women. (Psst...hit play on the video below to watch me "perform" this blog post for you.)

They either settle for the first girl who shows interest in them, or they just find excuses (school and work are common ones) for why they can’t date right now. They hope that “someday” they will magically figure it out.

How do I know? Because that used to be me. And I had some fantastic excuses.

  • I want to improve my rank in high school!
  • I want to finish 2 Ivy League degrees in 4 years!
  • I want to start off on a strong career trajectory at Microsoft!

But in reality, I was scared. I was scared that women would never find me sexually attractive. I was scared that I would die a virgin – fuck, I was scared that I would die without my first kiss! I was scared that women would never be interested in me, in that way, because of my wheelchair.

I mean, how many girls grow up dreaming about one day meeting a skinny guy in a wheelchair?

So if I can get dates, then YOU can too. All you need to do is do what I did, become a sexually attractive man.

And how do you do that? Well I’m glad you asked, son. Because whenever I have a new client who wants to improve his dating life, I start with an honest assessment of his life, broken down into the 5 key signals of a sexually attractive man. If you work on these areas in your life, your dating results will drastically improve (as mine did).

1: Confidence

This one is obvious, right? Everyone says it. “Just be more confident.”

But most guys don’t apply it. They wait for the girl to come over and talk to them. They wait until someone introduces them to that girl at their gym. They wait, they hope, and they wish that they had the balls to go up and talk to her.

The truth is they never will, because confidence is not some destination. Confidence is expressed through courageous action – approaching her, flirting with her, getting her number, asking her out, physically escalating, etc. At any given point, you could be shut down, and that is scary as fuck. Girls know this, and it’s why they don’t do it themselves. So when you do, when you act in the face of fear, you come across confident. And chicks dig it.

2: Sexuality

You can’t have a list of how to be sexually attractive without this one, obviously. In fact, it’s so important, that it has 2 parts.

2a: Appearance

Most guys love looking at beautiful, well-dressed women, but when it comes to their own style, they dress solely for comfort. The saying “looks don’t matter” is bullshit – women, just like men, judge you on your appearance.

In fact, the main difference between a creepy guy and a confident guy is his appearance. If a hobo and a guy in a tailored suit both go up to a woman and say “hey, you’re stunning,” it doesn’t matter one bit how great of a guy the hobo is, or what “mindsets” he has, the woman will be uncomfortable and try to get away. The guy in the tailored suit will always get a better response. You don’t need to always be in a tailored suit, but there are some simple guidelines that will 10x your other efforts, because when you’re well-dressed, women will view you more favorably instantly.

2b: Energy

Most guys express too little sexuality in conversation, which lands you in the friend zone. They fail to take any risk in letting the girl know that they find her attractive. They don’t “make a move” so to speak. As mentioned above, she’s not just going to take the hint. Because if she is wrong, she will be labeled a slut.

I know, I know. You don’t get off scott-free if you’re wrong – you get labeled as a creep. But that’s not nearly as bad, because society accepts that men are just creeps. And plus, if you dress sharp, and recover well from the rejection (see “Resilience” below) you’ll probably get labeled as confident, instead.

As a guideline for how much sexuality to express, I will quote a surprisingly eloquent 18-year-old who I recently approached – “be bold, but don’t rush.” In other words, if she starts telling you which Harry Potter character she thinks is cute, that’s not an immediate invitation to tell her that you’d like to show her to your “magic wand.” Just be a tad ahead of her.

3: Fun Energy

Most guys are so scared of saying the wrong thing, that they end up saying not much at all. They don’t pack a lot of energy into their approach. You need to show her that she’s going to have a good time with you, and the best way to do that is to bring fun energy.

Because who wants to be with someone who is super serious all the time? We all have enough serious shit going on in our lives – what attracts us to other people is the possibility of having more fun. And sure, your friends might have a ball every time you’re around, but she doesn’t know that. The only information she has is who you are in that moment. So be your most fun, energetic self.

4: Unavailability

This is the one no one seems to be talking about, yet it was an absolute game changer for me. If you’ve realized you “need to be less needy,” then this is what you need to work on.

If you’ve ever had a dog, you have a sense of how this works. When you’ve been home all day, the dog doesn’t really give a shit that you’re around. If you leave and come back in 5 minutes, he will be somewhat excited that you’re back. If you leave for the entire work day, he’s going to go fucking bonkers when you get back home.

In the same way, we all want what we can’t have, so you need to let the girl miss you for her to be attracted to you. You need to focus on your own life and not text her back right away. You need to share exciting parts of your life on social media to make yourself desirable. You need to develop your own interests and your own social circle, so that when you choose to spend time with her instead, she values your time together. Because she doesn’t want to be your everything – she just wants to be your priority over other awesome things.

5: Resilience

Does it hurt to get rejected? Hell yeah.

Do you need to spend time processing your feelings? Hell yeah.

Do you need to process them right when the rejection happens? No, you don’t.

Most guys, when they get rejected, either get angry/upset with the girl, or they go hide and NEVER approach again. This is understandable, because rejection really sucks, and I fall into this trap too – especially if it’s a particularly blatant rejection.

But let’s say you’re at a party, and the first girl you meet is not interested, but there’s another girl who thinks you’re quite handsome. It’s highly unlikely that she’s going to come up to you, so are you going to let the first rejection, or even the first 10 rejections, get in your way, or are you going to power through?

I’ve never regretted it when I’ve powered through. In fact, I’ve even dated that 11th the girl I met at a party, when the first 10 weren’t interested or had boyfriends.

You can (and should) spend time journaling and processing your (understandably) hurt feelings after rejection, but do it when you get home and are not surrounded by a ton of new people. By being resilient in the moment, you show women that you can handle a no. And the interesting result is that even if they are not interested in you sexually, they still want to be around you, which makes you even more desirable to other women.

If you enjoyed this post, please share it with a friend – and find me on Instagram or Snapchat for behind-the-scenes updates.

How to deal with rejection

Bro, I got rejected hard core yesterday. (Psst...hit play on the video below to watch me "perform" this blog post for you.)

I came across this gorgeous woman, probably in her mid-30s. Her top half was all covered up, with a cashmere sweater, a leather jacket, and some exotic necklaces, but her legs were almost entirely exposed, straddled between a tight brown skirt and tan booties (gosh I love women’s booties, and women in booties).

Anyway, I was wearing my workout clothes, and I had a 3 day old scruffy beard. But I decided to say something anyway – I said “hey, I love those shoes, where did you get them?”

And she just said “yeah” and kept walking, apparently looking for her car (we were by the elevators in a parking garage). And I immediately started to panic.

Did she hear me?
She definitely heard me.
Why is she ignoring me?
Is it because I look like a bum?
Am I so unattractive that it’s not even worth talking to me?

And in that moment, I felt so utterly rejected that I couldn’t do anything, other than just roll away. I felt absolutely worthless.

I tried to brush it off and just carry on with my day, but something was clearly off – a beautiful woman smiled at me at Starbucks, but I made up some excuse to not talk to her. The barista told me she got her necklace from her fiancé, and I hesitated to come up with something to say. And I was on a phone call with my mastermind group, but my feedback was more disagreeable than constructive.

And I finally figured out what was going on, when I took some time to write in my journal the next morning. “I was upset yesterday,” I started. And I wondered if maybe I had done something wrong in my interaction with this woman. What had I forgotten?

Well. I had forgotten to warm-up.

I had forgotten to get in front of her to really get her attention.

I had forgotten to approach with energy.

I had forgotten to give her a unique compliment.

And I had forgotten to not give up immediately.

And then I was seriously pissed at myself, thinking, ARGH, I should know this shit by now. How could I forget such simple things?

But I stopped myself, because I realized something – that that crummy experience, of that woman completely ignoring me, was actually a good thing.

Okay, stay with me – was it good in the moment?

No. Absolutely not. It sucked balls.

But when I stepped back and thought about it, I realized that having that feeling means that I was approaching women. It means that I wasn’t just sitting at home, swiping girls on tinder, and taking the easy way out. It means that I was pushing myself. It means that I was taking the risk. It means that I was building my confidence. It means that I was one step closer to finding the girl of my dreams.

And the fact that I sat down and thought about it, means that the next time I approach women, I will probably remember to do the things that I forgot to do this time – like warming up, getting her attention, smiling, giving her a better compliment, and not giving up immediately.

But most of all, if I muster the courage to try approaching women again, it means that I am a stronger man than I was before I met this woman.

And that’s how you deal with rejection guys, you become stronger from it. Sure, you get pissed about it (it’s unnatural if you don’t) but then you take time to process it, and learn from it. And the best way to do that is to write down everything you remember about the experience, and then write down what you can do better in the future. I’ve approached thousands of women over the past 5+ years, and nothing has been as helpful in growing my skills as taking the time to document and learn from my experiences.

So get out there, keep approaching, and become stronger from your rejections.

If you enjoyed this post, please share it with a friend who could use this message right now.

PS stay connected – find me on InstagramSnapchatYouTube, and Facebook.

Photo by melpomen

Can you hit on a girl when she's working?

I got a question on Instagram about this – is it okay to hit on a girl when she's working?

In other words…

  • Can you check her out in the checkout line?
  • Can you ask for a tall cappuccino, and her number?
  • Can you ask her out, when she drops off the check?

It’s a common question, because there are often beautiful women working in the service industry.

And a lot of guys start off this way, to build up some confidence, and to get used to talking to women. My own mastermind group suggested I do the same, when they were filming me doing some approaching and I was getting a little nervous (yea, it happens to me too!).

But I resisted, because I’ve never liked it. First off, it feels icky.

How can I be sure I’m not that creepy guy that she is obligated to talk to, because she’s not supposed to ignore customers?

And secondly, even if it does go seemingly well, it just doesn’t feel…genuine.

How do I know that she actually likes me, and that she’s not just doing her job of being friendly?

Because I’m not looking only for her attention, or her phone number, or her body. I’m approaching her in search of a genuine connection (through which I will receive her attention, phone number, and body).

So I don’t even start off my clients this way. I make them approach women who are not working, because in that case, women have zero obligation to talk to you. That’s where the rubber meets the road, because all you have are your skills. It’s incredibly difficult to do and you will get rejected a lot, but it’s the fastest way to learn and grow your confidence with women.

Butttt…I have to be fair. Have I ever asked a girl out who was working? Definitely. So that begs the question – when is it OK?

And here’s what I’ve decided – it’s okay, so long as you’ve also been approaching plenty of women who are not working.

Because you don't want women who are working to become a crutch that you rely on. You don’t want to get to the place where if you don’t have a “reason” to talk to her, you just don’t approach her.

Because that’s being a coward, and that’s where most guys are, including my former self. And here’s the most significant realization I had, which got me out of that place – it doesn’t matter if I have a good reason, or even if I say things with the perfect tonality, or if I come across awkward, or if I get rejected – all that matters is did I try?

Did I stop her?

Did I get her attention?

Did I put myself out there and get those specific words (“hey, you’re super cute, and I had to come say hi”) out of my mouth?

The more I did that, the more confidence I built, and the more comfortable I became with women – and the better I was able to read social cues and know whether or not the girl who is working is actually interested in me.

So yes, go ahead, chat up that beautiful barista. But only if you had the courage to first chat up that cutie who is standing in line in front of you (and probably wearing those tight, body hugging yoga pants).

Damn those yoga pants.

Regardless, you should always be friendly and nice to people that serve you. Tip them well, call them by name, and just be pleasant. Because they often deal with high expectations and unappreciative customers. Don't go Larry David and overdo it, just be polite, that's all that's needed.

PS stay connected – find me on Instagram, SnapchatYouTube, and Facebook.

Photo by piksel

How to Win Friends and Charm Women – My Top 3 Tips

I gave a speech last week, at the sold-out Bellevue City Hall (calm down Amin, it was a free event) about my struggle to connect with others, how I overcame it, and why I decided to become a dating coach. The title of the speech is "The Real Barrier Is Invisible" and it was part of the Cultural Conversations special evening event (full video here). Below is a video of just my speech, and below THAT is the transcript (with the pictures that were shown behind me, if you're curious).

I know what you’re thinking…

●     You’re thinking…what’s wrong with him?

●     You’re thinking…I wonder how fast his wheelchair goes?

●     And you’re thinking…wow, that is one sexy man…

Well thank you for the compliment. And to appease your curiosity, I will tell you that I was born with muscular dystrophy.

01 baby picture.jpg

And this was a shock to my parents, because they had just immigrated to the United States from Pakistan, where people with disabilities are seen as liabilities. Burdens. And unable to contribute. But that’s not the life they wanted for me – so they supported me in pursuing my dreams, and so did the school system where I grew up, just outside Chicago.

02 childhood picture.jpg

HOWEVER, there was one area in my life, where I was completely left behind. And it started in middle school, when my best friend no longer wanted to sit with me at lunch – he wanted to sit with his “girlfriend.” And I wanted to girlfriend too, but I had no idea how to make that happen.

I mean, there are no classes on dating in middle school.

And I couldn’t ask my parents for advice, because they grew up in a very conservative Muslim culture. My mom got yelled at for just talking to a boy on the way home from school, and when my dad was old enough to be married, he visited 17 girls, at their homes, and picked my mom after a 5 minute conversation. I’m glad he picked one with nice hair, thanks mom.

So I consulted the movies – and they all had one message: girls like guys that are strong. So I came up with a master plan: first, I was going to do everything I could to hide my condition – and that was somewhat possible, because I was able to walk when I was younger. And second, I was going to be really successful, because that’s what girls care about, later in life anyway.

So I focused on my schoolwork. I took all honors and AP courses, and I was even ranked 1st in my high school class of 700 students. But when it came to girls, I was at the bottom of the class. When I would pass by the cheerleaders, with their bright red uniforms, my heart would race, and all I could think about was to not say something stupid. I told people I was too busy to go to the school dance, but in reality I was embarrassed that I didn’t have a date. And after my first year of high school, things got way more challenging, because I had to have surgery on my back, and I lost my ability to walk. I saw my wheelchair as a permanent symbol of weakness, and I struggled not just with girls, but even to make friends.

I hoped college would be different, but I found new barriers there, because social life revolved around alcohol, which I don’t drink, and fraternities, which were not wheelchair accessible. And all my classmates were dating each other, but I sat on the sidelines and wondered, would a girl ever be interested in this?

I got a job at Microsoft and hoped that I would fit in better there, but when I moved out here, my coworkers would talk about hiking, or rockclimbing, or skiing, and I would just stay quiet, because I didn't have anything to add. 

But there seemed to be some light at the end of the tunnel, because I had started talking to a girl from mosque, and she seemed to like me. So one day I gathered every ounce of courage in my body, and I kissed her, but she pulled away and said the words I will never forget – “I just don’t see myself dating a guy who uses a wheelchair.”

What else did I have to do? I had 2 degrees from an Ivy League University, a fantastic career, a car, and even a beautiful home. Was there NOTHING I could do to make up for being born with this body? And should I just accept my parents offer, to find me a nice girl from Pakistan, because maybe the only thing I had to offer, was a US passport?

No, I knew that I could never accept that.

So I hired a dating coach. Yeah, like Hitch. And I learned 3 very important lessons, which turned my life around.

First, I learned that I get to decide how people see me.

I could either be the sad guy in a wheelchair who is trying to hide and not talk about it, or I could be the charismatic guy who accepts that he sticks out, and even gives people something to look at. So I started to wear really tight clothing, sometimes too tight, and funky glasses, and cool socks.

I also started to joke about the wheelchair, to let people know that I’m comfortable with it, so they can be too.

Second, I learned that the most effective way to make friends is to be genuinely interested in other people. So when my mechanic mentioned that he went fishing, I asked him “what do you like most about fishing?” After several conversations about fishing, he took me out on his boat, so I could experience fishing, with a friend, for the first time.

Third, I learned that girls DO like strength – but – there is no greater strength than having the courage to talk to a woman that I find attractive, and to have that courage no matter how many times I’ve been rejected in the past.

So that’s what I do – I go up to women, I tell them I think they’re cute, and I talk to them. And guess what!? It works! 

11 dating picture.jpg

I’ve gone on dates now with over 40 different women, from all different backgrounds, ethnicities, and even religions. I’ve had girlfriends as young as 19, and as old as 53 – which is a little awkward to say with my parents sitting right here.

But in all seriousness, my life got remarkably better after I learned these skills, and I thought maybe there's a reason that I went through years of disconnection, maybe there's a reason that I had nobody to talk to, and maybe there's a reason that I was given this body – and maybe that reason is to show the world, to teach the world, that no matter what challenges you have, you too can find connection.

So I started my own dating coach business. And I chose a name that would remind me every day that my wheelchair is not a symbol of weakness, but rather a symbol of strength, of courage, of perseverance. So ladies and gentlemen, my name is Amin Lakhani, and I am The Dating Coach on Wheels.

Thank you.

PS stay connected – find me on InstagramSnapchatYouTube, and Facebook.

Photo by Silas Chu

When I get the girl, my life will be complete

No one has said those exact words to me, but the undertone has always been there, especially in my brown (South Asian) culture.

  • Through the enormous, elaborate, multi-day weddings we throw (I would way rather use the money for something else, to be honest).
  • Through my grandmother’s blessings, which always end with a particular emphasis on how she prays that my “pairing may happen” and that she will still be alive to see it (how’s that for pressure?).
  • And through my mom’s final words as she kisses my head before going to bed, “tere sapno khi rahne tuje milegee” – which is Urdu for “I pray that you will find the princess of your dreams.”

You might think you know where this is going, but hold it right there, because this isn’t the standard fuck you society, I don’t need a woman to be happy post.

Because shit, I do want to get the girl. I do want to find that person. That partner in crime. That yin to my yang.

So I get excited when I come across a girl I click with. Like this one, who has an affinity for fine writing utensils, as I do (my messages are purple).

OkCupid conversation

And I also get bummed, when I get a text like this (from the same girl, my messages are blue).

Text conversation

I actually got the above text the morning of my big speech at Bellevue City Hall, where I said “there is no greater strength than having the courage to talk to a woman that I find attractive – and to have that courage no matter how many times I’ve been shot down in the past.”

The irony was not lost on me. And at first, I chuckled, and thought to myself, wow, this girl really picked the perfect timing. I thought about it briefly and got on with my day – I didn’t have time to get upset about it. I needed to be on my A game for the speech.

And I was – I absolutely nailed the speech. I was even offered a job at the City of Bellevue (not a good fit for me, but here’s the link for anyone interested). Plus, I was surrounded by loving friends and family after the speech, so I had all but forgotten about this girl. I thought to myself, I’m fine, and I just need to get on to the next one (like Jay Z).

But the next day, I couldn’t help but feel this…numbness to everything. I couldn’t focus. I didn’t care about being social. The only courage I could muster was to ask a girl where she got her backpack from (she told me and I just rolled away).

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why am I feeling this way?

I considered calling a friend, but I didn’t – I didn’t want to bother them. They had all just come out to support me, how could I keep asking for more?

And finally, at the end of the day, a friend called me. And I just got to talk. I got to tell him that I felt like crap. That I was bummed about this girl. Because we had similar interests, we had talked on the phone for over an hour, and I was really looking forward to taking her on a date. But now that wasn’t going to happen, and I felt pathetic for letting it bring me down, because I should have been happy.

My friend listened, emphatically told me that I’m NOT pathetic, and shared how he has felt the same way with rejection in the past – and how it has really weighed down on him. The funny thing is that I was there, on the phone with him, when he was dealing with that rejection, but that doesn’t mean rejection doesn’t faze me – I still need to mend my emotional wounds.

And I was able to do that by talking to my friend, who helped me understand that I’m not alone in this struggle, which is a huge relief.

And this is precisely why I focus on building friendships and pursuing romantic relationships. Because I do want to find that princess of my dreams, but that process is quite the roller coaster. If you have solid friendships, they will support you in staying grounded when you’re really excited, and being resilient when you’re hurt.

I also expressed frustration to my friend, about my luck with women in general. Because honestly, I am SO tired of it not working out. When am I going to find the girl? When am I going to get my grandma off my back? (jk, but really grams, let’s cool it, kay?) 

In the past 15 months, I’ve dated 4 women that I’ve had an amazing connection with, but for one reason or another, it hasn’t worked out. And this girl felt like the fifth.

And as soon as I said those words – it hit me. 5 girls? In 15 months? And I had a great connection with all of them? I would have LOVED to have this problem a few years ago – when the girl I was in love with told me, point blank, “I don’t see myself dating a guy in a wheelchair.”

I realized that I needed to meet WAY more women, and learn how to approach them effectively. If you're in the same boat, where you're overly focused on one girl, you need to expand your horizons, and you need to do it now.

You might understand this and think "I'd love to, but I don't know what to say!" Most dating advice says it doesn't matter, and I agree, but I hate that answer. Because the engineer inside me says "there must be a path!"

So fine, I'll give you the words. The words I still use to this day. Will you do it then?

In fact, I'll do you one better. Because I get it – approaching women can feel like lifting heavy weights. If you haven't done much approaching, going up to a girl and saying "hey, I think you're cute, and I'd like to meet you" is like trying to bench-press 500 lbs on your first day at the gym. Yikes.

So I'm breaking it down for you step by step, to help you gradually become more comfortable approaching – and I present to you the 7 Day Destroy Approach Anxiety Challenge (patent pending! – but not really though).

When you sign up (it's free, BTW), I will send you 1 email every morning for the next 7 days (unsubscribe at any time) with your challenge for the day. The first day will be SUPER simple, and each day will build upon the last, so instead of your brain going into a panic when you step out of your comfort zone, it will think "okay, this is not so different from what I'm used to" and you will keep going.

So what do you say? Are you ready to grab your balls (figuratively man, put those away!) and finally have the confidence to approach women you find attractive? Sign up below and let's get to work, son.

YEAH. UNH. (manly grunts)

Amin
The Dating Coach on Wheels

PS stay connected – find me on InstagramSnapchatYouTube, and Facebook.

Photo by kiuikson

How to carry the conversation with women

Something amazing happened last weekend – one of my clients got his FIRST number close. They always say the first one is the hardest, and it is, because if you have never done it before, it’s hard to believe that you can go up to a woman and smoothly get her number. And once you crack that first one, the next one is SO much easier (he got another one two days later).

But this particular number close wasn’t a run-of-the-mill variety. He didn’t just say the right words and get her number. In fact, when he first told her he was going to get her number, she declined, saying “I’m not sure about giving my number to a stranger.”

And my client responded with “yeah, you’re right, but what’s the worst that could happen? I could be a really fun guy and take you out on a date. Would that be so bad?”

Now, I don’t necessarily think those are magical words. I wouldn’t generally say them myself, quite honestly, because if she’s not ready to give you her number, trying to directly convince her that you are not creepy/weird/forward isn’t going to help. You want to signal those things, not say them. In this case, though, it worked, because he had already built up a solid connection with her over their 15 minute conversation.

And THAT is the real challenge – keeping the conversation going. This particular client had become totally comfortable opening as well as closing women, because that follows a repeatable structure, but when he was actually engaging in a conversation, his mind would go blank, and he wouldn’t know what to say. Specifically, he struggled after giving someone a compliment, because they usually just replied with a short answer, like “thanks.” And he had no idea what to do after that.

So instead of just giving him an answer for that one situation, I gave him the analogy that I think about what I’m trying to carry a conversation – I call it “playing conversational catch.”

Imagine that you have a tennis ball (if that reminds you of what is between your legs, you need to get that checked out ASAP). When you say something, you are tossing the ball to the other person, and when they say something back, they are tossing the ball back to you. The way to make it a fun conversation – is to play with what they give you (i.e. put a little spin on the ball when you throw it back). So if they toss the ball to you with just a “thanks,” you want to throw it back to them with some sort of play on the “thanks.”

And how do you play with that one cold, harsh word? By adopting a playfully pouty demeanor, and saying, “what, you’re not going to give me a compliment back?” Because that is a completely unexpected response, and assuming you get the demeanor correct, you will make the girl laugh.

And that lets her know, that you want to play. Girls love to play – it’s why they look for humor in guys. But they aren’t going to make the first move and bust out the humor, because that’s your job as the man. Just like it’s your job to get her number first, text her first, call her first, plan a date first, pay for a date first, initiate and escalate physical contact first. You always have to do it first. And I get it, that is scary as fuck. Because you might get rejected, and that will hurt. But that’s how it works, and taking the initiative without knowing for sure that she is interested is what makes you a man.

When you approach a woman, in that first conversational back and forth, she is gauging whether or not you are a man – whether or not you have the balls to take initiative. If you play with what she gives you, it shows that you are a man, and that you have balls of steel, so she is more likely to be attracted to you (even if you’re in a wheelchair, like me).

So back to the girl who said she wasn’t sure about giving her number to a stranger – instead of just shutting down and running away, my client threw the ball back with a fun spin on it. And then so did she. And that, you charming stud, is a fun conversation. And fun conversations lead to fun times, like getting her number, going on dates, kissing, and yes, even sex.

So the next time you get into a conversation with a woman, throw the ball back with a fun spin on it. But bro – hold up, are you even meeting women?

You might understand this and think "that all sounds nice, but I don't even know what to say to start!" Most dating advice says it doesn't matter, and I agree, but I HATE that answer with every fiber in my body. Because the engineer inside me says "there must be a path!"

So fine, I'll give you the words. The words I still use to this day. Will you do it then?

In fact, I'll do you one better. Because I get it – approaching women can feel like lifting heavy weights. If you haven't done much approaching, going up to a girl and saying "hey, I think you're cute, and I'd like to meet you" is like trying to bench-press 500 lbs on your first day at the gym. Yikes.

So I'm breaking it down for you step by step, to help you gradually become more comfortable approaching – and I present to you the 7 Day Destroy Approach Anxiety Challenge (patent pending! – but not really though).

When you sign up (it's free, BTW), I will send you 1 email every morning for the next 7 days (unsubscribe at any time) with your challenge for the day. The first day will be SUPER simple, and each day will build upon the last, so instead of your brain going into a panic when you step out of your comfort zone, it will think "okay, this is not so different from what I'm used to" and you will keep going.

So what do you say? Are you ready to grab your balls (figuratively man, put those away!) and finally have the confidence to approach women you find attractive? Sign up below and let's get to work, son.

YEAH. UNH. (manly grunts)

If you enjoyed this post, please give it a upvote/like/heart where you found it - that helps me stay in business, and continue to put out helpful material! If you're happy with your social and dating life, then please share this with a close friend who could benefit from my story.

Amin
The Dating Coach on Wheels

PS stay connected – find me on InstagramSnapchatYouTube, and Facebook.

Photo by gstockstudio

What to do BEFORE approaching women

So you want to approach and charm women. Okay. That’s a good and noble goal. It’s definitely the best way to build your confidence as a man.

But I have a question for you: what do you do right BEFORE you go approach women?

I get it. I used to do all those things, too. And I usually struggled to connect with women.

But every once in a while, something would be different. I would just be IN THE ZONE – I was charming, witty, and the right words just seemed to flow out of me – like MAGIC.

And I wondered: how the hell did I do that? I didn’t have any new lines, I didn’t suddenly not have a wheelchair, and I wasn’t drinking, so that couldn’t be it.

And then I FINALLY figured it out. My approaches went well, when I was warmed up.

Warmed up? Yes. Warmed up.

Have you ever watched a basketball team before a game? What do they do? They dribble the ball around, they take some easy shots, and they get warmed up.

In the same way, YOU need to get warmed up before you take on the challenge of approaching and charming women. You need to get into a talkative and friendly mood.

So how do you do that? Well, would you feel talkative and friendly if a lot of people were friendly towards you? I’m sure you would, and as the saying goes, you need to give before you get.

So the best way to do this is to smile, wave, and say “hey, have a great rest of your day” to everyone who crosses your path. Yes, I mean EVERYONE.

And I know, you’re probably thinking that is SUPER weird, because who the hell does that?

But I dare you to try it. You’ll see that people are surprised, yes, but they will smile back at you and say thank you. You’ll make their day a little brighter – and even if you don’t get anything back from it, that is a very meaningful gift to give to another person.

But you will find that you will get a lot back from it, because you’ll start to feel happier, you’ll start to feel like people want to talk to you, and you’ll be just a little more confident when you see that cutie at the coffee shop. And that’s worth it, right?

Now sure, some people will totally ignore you. But just keep doing it, because most people will give you some love back. I know because I’ve done it myself, and I’ve seen it with my clients.

If you’re looking for a step-by-step guide on how to get better at approaching and charming women, click the button below to get my FREE 7 day course on destroying approach anxiety.

If you enjoyed this post, please share it with a close friend who could benefit from my story.

Amin
The Dating Coach on Wheels

PS stay connected – find me on InstagramSnapchatYouTube, and Facebook.

Photo by Dean Drobot

How to destroy approach anxiety in 7 days

Do you wish you had the balls to go up to any girl in any situation and start chatting her up?

That nerdy girl in the library? Check.
That hottie at the grocery store? Check.
That cougar twice your ageOk...maybe that's just me :)

The point is, WHATEVER type of girl strikes your fancy – confidence is the fundamental skill that you need to seduce her. Even if you meet her online, because women can sniff out lack of confidence a mile away. You might get a date with some crafty messages, but it's not going to go very far if you lack confidence.

So what's the best way to build confidence? Do the ONE thing that 99.9% of men are afraid to do. Approach women – and do it again and again even if it doesn't go well.

Why else would *I* get dates? I certainly don't have the body type that women are looking for – I'm 5'2" (when standing, even less in my wheelchair) and not even 95 pounds. But I have balls of fucking steel (yeah, that's an actual material, okay?). I don't care that I have failed THOUSANDS of times when approaching women, I do it anyway.

Because approaching women is THE most effective way to build confidence with women. Reading blogs, watching videos, or "practicing" at home isn't going to do shit for you [sidenote: please keep reading my blog ;)] unless you go approach, screw up terribly, and keep trying to get better.

I *still* do this. Just because I've practiced a ton, doesn't mean I execute flawlessly. For example, I did some approaching the other day (on video! stay tuned…) and I was AWKWARD AF. I hadn't approached in a while, so I was rusty. But I stuck with it and kept approaching. None of the girls were interested, but they all appreciated the greatest compliment you can give a woman – interest from a confident man.

It will not lead to massive results immediately. But the more you or I do it, the more confident we become. And I know it will lead to getting a girls number, going on a date, having sex, having a girlfriend, etc. If not today, then soon enough. I know because it's happened to me time and time again.

You might understand this and think "that all sounds nice, but I don't know what to say!" Most dating advice says it doesn't matter, and I agree, but I hate that answer. Because the engineer inside me says "there must be a path!"

So fine, I'll give you the words. The words I still use to this day. Will you do it then?

In fact, I'll do you one better. Because I get it – approaching women can feel like lifting heavy weights. If you haven't done much approaching, going up to a girl and saying "hey, I think you're cute, and I'd like to meet you" is like trying to bench-press 500 lbs on your first day at the gym. Yikes.

So I'm breaking it down for you step by step, to help you gradually become more comfortable approaching – and I present to you the 7 Day Destroy Approach Anxiety Challenge (patent pending! – but not really though).

When you sign up (it's free, BTW), I will send you 1 email every morning for the next 7 days (unsubscribe at any time) with your challenge for the day. The first day will be SUPER simple, and each day will build upon the last, so instead of your brain going into a panic when you step out of your comfort zone, it will think "okay, this is not so different from what I'm used to" and you will keep going.

So what do you say? Are you ready to grab your balls (figuratively man, put those away!) and finally have the confidence to approach women you find attractive? Sign up below and let's get to work, son.

YEAH. UNH. (manly grunts)

If you enjoyed this post, please give it a upvote/like/heart where you found it - that helps me stay in business, and continue to put out helpful material! If you're happy with your social and dating life, then please share this with a close friend who could benefit from my story.

Coach Amin
The Dating Coach on Wheels

PS stay connected – find me on InstagramSnapchatYouTube, and Facebook.

Photo by Sergey Skripnikov

How to make her hotly anticipate your phone call

We covered WHY you should ask her out on the phone (instead of text), but what about the how?

How do I even bring up the idea of calling her? Should I ask her over text if she is okay with it first? Should I just pick up and call? What if she doesn’t answer? What if it’s a bad time? What if it’s too soon? What if she doesn’t like talking on the phone? What do I even say if she does pick up? What’s my reason for calling?

Phew.

Just breathe, man. I know, it’s nerve-racking, but I’m here to tell you that it’s going to be okay.

How about this, let’s cover what not to do first.

Don’t just randomly call her. That’s a big no-no. Why?

Because if someone is not expecting a call from you, calling them is incredibly rude.

Think about it. What happens when you get a call? Your phone buzzes and makes lots of noise – it screams for your attention. Are you really just going to roll the dice on her being available and in a good mood when you decide to call?

When you randomly call, you’re assuming that she has nothing better to do than talk to you. Even if you’re very confident in yourself, that’s a bit of a stretch. You can make this assumption with your mom (I certainly do…I set up a special ringtone for myself on my mom’s phone – so she knows she’s supposed to answer no matter what when she hears my ringtone).

…what, nobody else has mommy issues here? Okay FINE.

In any case, you don’t want to be screaming for a girl’s attention when you don’t know her very well. It’s not attractive.

And honestly, she probably hasn’t even saved your number yet, especially if you met online. You’re not the only guy she has given her number to, so if she sees a call from an unknown number, she’s unlikely to answer it. And now you have set yourself back, by becoming that guy who randomly calls.

So what do you do? It’s very simple, actually. After you have texted each other a few times, send her this text in the morning:

Hey, I was thinking about you. I’ll give you a call tonight at 8 PM :)

Simple, right? I know what you’re thinking: are you crazy man? Just like that? What if she never texts me back? I know, I know – I’ll get there, just give me a minute.

On the one hand, this text is very confident and attractive. It signals to her that you have shit going on in your life, but you have a handle on your life, and that you can make time for people you care about. Plus, it doesn't require a response, which she will appreciate on a busy day.

On the other hand, by picking a time and a date, you are being very vulnerable – you are saying “I will hold this time for you” and leaving it up to her to reply. That’s pretty damn scary, I get it. But as a man, that’s your responsibility. You have to take the initial step, and then it’s up to the woman to decide whether or not she wants to go along with it.

Now, once you have done this, the ball is in her court, and she will do one of three things:

1. She will text you back something positive, like “sounds good” or suggest a different time. If you’re in this boat, congratulations, because she was just waiting for you to step up. She’s excited to hear from you, so call her when it works for both of you.

2. She will text you back and say that time doesn’t work for whatever reason. If she doesn’t offer a better time, that typically means she is not that interested in you. You can follow up one more time and ask if a different night would be better, but if you get the same response, it’s a clear sign that she is not interested. If she won’t make time to talk with you on the phone, she certainly won’t make time to go on a date with you. It’s a bummer, and your best move is to give her space and direct your efforts elsewhere (a.k.a “move on”).

3. She will not text you back. This one is hard to decipher. It could be her way of saying no, or she might just not have a chance to reply. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Call her anyway, at the time you said you would, because that shows her that you are a man who follows through on his word. That’s important, and attractive.

If she doesn’t answer, there’s no need to leave a message – the ball is in her court now. Don’t just stare at your phone waiting for her to call you back – have some sort of backup plan, like a book or blog you want to read. It will (somewhat) prevent you from panicking and stressing out in the moment about why she didn’t answer. Typically, if things have been going well over text, it just means she was away from her phone for a moment.

I would be lying if I said this is bulletproof. Does this strategy result in some women stopping all communication with you? Absolutely.

But remember, the goal is not to have a text buddy. The goal is to build a connection with her and go on a date. By showing interest in talking on the phone, giving her a heads up on when you’re going to call, and actually following through, you’re setting yourself apart from all the fuckboys out there. High quality women, who want to date, will find you irresistible.

Go kill it,
Coach Amin
The Dating Coach on Wheels

If you try this strategy, send me an email and let me know what you learned.

Do you freeze up around attractive women? Have you never kissed a girl? Have you never had a girlfriend? Do you feel that everybody else has friends but you don’t? I’ve been there. And it sucks.

Here's my 30 second story: 

I use a wheelchair and I have a degenerative muscle condition. I was always the shy, nerdy kid, and I had ZERO success with women – my first kiss didn't happen until I was 22 years old. I went to an Ivy League University and landed my dream job at Microsoft, but I was miserable. After the girl I was in love with told me, "I don't know how any woman could be attracted to a guy in a wheelchair," I hired a dating coach to turn my life around. Now, my social calendar is booked weeks in advance, and I get to choose the friends that I really want to spend time with. Now, I've been on 60+ dates, I've enjoyed sex and intimacy with multiple women, and I've had incredible girlfriends. 

If you desire similar experiences, I know I can help you. Click the button to download my practical tips for improving your social and dating life. I would love to help you, because now that I've experienced these massive improvements in my life, I wish someone would have stepped in much earlier and helped me.

If you're happy with your social and dating life, share this with a close friend who could benefit from my story.

PS stay connected – find me on InstagramSnapchatYouTube, and Facebook.

How to make sure she doesn't flake

Have you ever heard the advice call her to set up the first date? You may have dismissed it, and assumed it was outdated. Because who the hell does that? And why wouldn’t you just text in this day and age?

I used to think the same way. But underneath all that resistance, I was scared.

I was scared that if I called her, I would say something wrong and ruin my chances. Because somehow this beautiful girl was interested in going out with me, and there was no way I was going to risk messing that up. It was MUCH easier to just hide behind my text messages before the first date.

But when I hid, my results suffered. The girl would ghost me, reschedule endlessly, or worse: flake on me last-minute. Ugh…I still remember how damn frustrated I was when it last happened to me. Almost exactly one year ago, I matched with a girl on Tinder, and sparks flew from the very beginning. She was talkative, witty, incredibly sexy, and she even experimented with hair color as I used to. We were sending each other pictures, LONG paragraphs on text, and we finally scheduled a date (November 20th). Needless to say, I was more than the usual level of excited as I headed to the date spot. I wondered to myself…

What will she be like in person?

What will it be like to kiss her?

Could she be the one?

I arrived at the venue and waited out front for her. I avoided looking at my phone, because I wanted to maintain a "confident and open stance" for the first time she saw me. I didn’t want to be hunched over and looking down at my phone, because I didn’t want ANYTHING to ruin this date – least of all my insecurity of sitting around looking like I have nothing to do.

But a few minutes passed, and then a few more minutes passed, and then I couldn't resist checking my phone. The fear had started to sink in.

Where is she?

Is she going to make it?

What if she doesn’t make it?

And when I looked at my phone I saw it – a text from her – saying that she couldn’t make it. Something had happened with her friend and she needed to be with him. I called her and she didn’t answer. I texted her later to ask if her friend was okay, but I never heard back.

Looking back, it makes sense. A man will go on a date with a woman solely based on her physical appearance. But a woman, on the other hand, will only go on a date with a man if she feels good about him.

Unfortunately, we are not wired to develop a true feeling about someone just through text. It’s even why we gravitate way more towards audio and video content online – we are more easily moved by it.

So it turns out that the advice of calling before the first date is excellent advice, because:

1. It shows that you are confident. A guy who calls is a guy who is not scared to talk on the phone (like most people these days). Plus, on a phone call, the only tools at your disposal to charm her are your voice and your personality – calling shows that you have confidence in those two core parts of who you are.

2. It shows that you are classy. Most guys follow this protocol: chat on Tinder, chat on text, meet up for drinks, and hookup. And they are SUPER eager to get to the hookup. Women have a term for these guys, they call them fuckboys (and not endearingly). By taking it easy and calling her before you invite her out on a date, you set yourself apart.

3. It allows you to quickly figure out whether or not you have chemistry, because she can form a stronger opinion about you over the phone. If her opinion is negative, obviously that sucks, but she will decline the date and you won’t end up in the situation I was in. If her opinion is positive, that’s a huge win, because you’ve now become more than just some guy she’s texting. You can start to build a connection with her and have a WAY better first date.

So the next time you match with a girl on Tinder, go ahead and celebrate, look forward to her messages, and think about how awesome it would be to take her on a date. Just make sure you call her to set up the date.

--

So now, the question is…how do you get her on the phone?

Do you just call her out of the blue? Do you give her a warning? Do you give her some times that you're available and wait for her to call? How far in advance – an hour, three days, a week? What if she doesn’t answer? Do you leave a message?

Phew.

Just breathe, man. I know, it’s nerve-racking, but I’m here to tell you that it’s going to be okay.

Find out what to do on the next post: How to Make Her Hotly Anticipate Your Phone Call

Go crush it,
Amin, The Dating Coach on Wheels

If you try this strategy, send me an email and let me know what you learned.

Do you freeze up around attractive women? Have you never kissed a girl? Have you never had a girlfriend? Do you feel that everybody else has friends but you don’t? I’ve been there. And it sucks.

Here's my 30 second story: 

I use a wheelchair and I have a degenerative muscle condition. I was always the shy, nerdy kid, and I had ZERO success with women – my first kiss didn't happen until I was 22 years old. I went to an Ivy League University and landed my dream job at Microsoft, but I was miserable. After the girl I was in love with told me, "I don't know how any woman could be attracted to a guy in a wheelchair," I hired a dating coach to turn my life around. Now, my social calendar is booked weeks in advance, and I get to choose the friends that I really want to spend time with. Now, I've been on 60+ dates, I've enjoyed sex and intimacy with multiple women, and I've had incredible girlfriends. 

If you desire similar experiences, I know I can help you. Click the button to download my practical tips for improving your social and dating life. I would love to help you, because now that I've experienced these massive improvements in my life, I wish someone would have stepped in much earlier and helped me.

If you're happy with your social and dating life, share this with a close friend who may benefit from my story.

PS stay connected – find me on InstagramSnapchatYouTube, and Facebook.

New ONLINE DATING OPENER to end your frustrations!

Dude, I have been SO annoyed with online dating in the past – it has always felt like a crapshoot at best, and a giant waste of time at worst. And I'm a dating coach! Shouldn't I know how to do it better?

I still work on online dating with my clients, and we get results, but personally, I've just assumed "it must be because I'm in a wheelchair" when a girl stops responding. And then I beat myself up for getting excited about her. Ugh!

I much prefer meeting women in person, and I coach my clients on doing the same. While I firmly believe that approaching women is the best way to build true confidence in interacting with women, I've had this nagging voice in my head saying "you need to figure out this online dating shit, bro."

And today, I feel like I've made a big stride in my journey.

Because last night, I jumped on to a webinar titled "3 Keys to Online Dating Success [for Smart Introverted Men]" hosted by Sarah Jones at Introverted Alpha.

I've read articles at Introverted Alpha and I love their stuff – it's typically smart, simple advice without being creepy/gamey/PUA. Sarah put together a great hour-long presentation of the do's and don'ts of online dating.

And here's the golden nugget of wisdom – the opener. What the heck do you say after you match? Sarah explained her recommended solution, and said that her clients are getting a TON of dates with this opening message.

Are you ready? It has 6, yes count them, 6 parts!

  1. "Nice X" – This shows that you actually looked at her profile.
  2. "You seem like Y" – This shows that you took a minute think about who she is. It is also a pre-frame, which will make her act like Y (so make sure it is positive!)
  3. "I like that because Z" – This allows you to share something about yourself.
  4. "I would love to take you to ___ (specific place)" – This shows that you take initiative/leadership in choosing the venue, as a man should. It also lets her know it is a date, not a "hangout".
  5. "I think we'd have a lot of fun because (describe with sensory detail)" – This allows you to entice her imagination.
  6. "You down?" – This shows that you are not interested in endlessly chatting, and that you want to take her out.

I know what you're thinking – you have got to be kidding me, Amin, going for the date on the first message!?

I know…it goes against all conventional wisdom. But I have high expectations, because the reality is, women (and people in general) make decisions about you instantly.

So she already knows whether or not she would want to go out with you, and this just accelerates the process. It also weeds out the girls who are on dating apps but not interested in going on dates. And if it doesn't pan out, you're still building your skills of noticing the details, engaging her senses via text, and taking initiative – all important skills in order to be successful at dating.

So give this a shot, and send me an email to let me know how it goes.


PS if you are looking for a very caring, soft and nurturing path towards improving your dating life – head over and apply for the Introverted Alpha "Clarity Consult". I have no experience or affiliation (read: $$) invested with them, but I appreciate their wisdom and it seems they are able to help guys who want that type of support (it's a 3 month group coaching program, at $1,900 per month, or a one-time payment of $5,000).

If you're like me, though, and you're not just in this to be a shy guy that finds his girl, if you know your true self wants to be the life of the party, if you are wanting someone to break you out of your shell, then let's talk. Schedule some time with me for help with your online dating profile (to get more matches), a quick question, or a deeper dive into how you can accelerate your results.

Go kill it,
Coach Amin
The Dating Coach on Wheels
Blog | Services | Book Time


So how did a 23-year-old, shy guy in a wheelchair go from zero success with women to dating 40+ women, getting his first kiss, losing his virginity, having 5 girlfriends, and being the life of the party wherever he goes? The strategies I still use, to this day, are spelled out in The 3 Step Guide to More Friends and More Dates – click the button below to download it (for free!) now.

If you're happy with your social and dating life, share this with a close friend who could use a little boost of inspiration today.

PS stay connected – find me on InstagramSnapchatYouTube, and Facebook.

How to have amazing conversations with anyone – the 4 step formula [chapter 3]

Most dating advice goes straight to picking up women. And I get it. That’s what you want most, right? It’s definitely what I wanted most. Especially when other guys would boast about which girls they had hooked up with. Sure, part of me wanted to fit in, to have something to add, to feel like “one of the guys.” But mostly I just craved the experience of being with a woman, and hearing someone else’s story just made that pit in my stomach a little deeper, because I always wondered “will that ever happen to me?”

The common theory in dating advice is “if you know how to talk to your friends and family, then surely you can talk to that really hot girl. You just need to learn how to calm yourself down and be yourself.”

Pardon me while I puke, because that is the biggest pile of horseshit I’ve ever heard. Last I checked, I’m not trying to get a date with my friends and family. And yes, I have heard the “don’t try to get something from women” advice. Let’s be real, okay? Sure, it may not be the only thing on my mind, but I’m biologically wired to be on the lookout for women to mate with. And wanting to go on a date (or have sex) with her is not me trying to get something, it’s actually a mutually pleasurable experience that the man has to initiate.

So the nerves and sweaty palms and stomach turning over is normal. Some dating advice even acknowledges this, and tells you to “just relax” or “change your emotional state” which is like telling you to relax when a pack of vicious bees is flying at you (i.e. dumb advice). You are wired to do something in that situation, and that natural, sudden emotional charge is helpful, if you choose to take action.

Case in point: a few months ago I was strolling around the local park with my roommate, and I chatted up a beautiful girl who was there with her friend. My roommate later said “wow, you were so confident!” And yes, I made it seem like I was incredibly comfortable, knew exactly what to say, and had no hesitation.

But do you want to know the first thought that went through my head when I saw this girl? I remember it clearly – I thought “she would never go for me.” Surprise! I have doubts, insecurities, and fears too!

But I’ve learned what to do despite them. And that’s what true confidence really is – action in the face of fear.

Even though I had fears, I was able to get her number, take her on a date, and be in a relationship with her for a while. How? Because I had practiced the correct actions over, and over, and over again. Thousands of times. Nearly every opportunity I could get. At work, at the grocery store, at the dentist’s office, on the airplane, and even in mosque. Anywhere and everywhere.

So what are those correct actions?

The first one is to be a phenomenal conversationalist. I don’t use the word phenomenal lightly. I really mean it – you need to make people fall in love with you through conversation. That’s the definition of a phenomenal conversationalist, and that’s the goal.

Again, most dating advice focuses immediately on the challenge of talking to attractive women, when in reality, most guys struggle to hold a conversation with anyone new. Unless they have a work related or school related reason to speak with someone new, they don’t know what to say.

That was definitely the case for me. I was always envious of the people who seemed like they could chat with literally anyone. Because when I met someone new, I just wondered: what in the world would I talk to them about? Why would they ever want to talk to me?

The answer to these questions is the fundamental skill you need to seduce women. You can try skipping this step by memorizing some lines (like I did). But when the lines run out, you’re back to square one, not knowing what to say.

To avoid this problem (and become a phenomenal conversationalist) the most important manual to consult is Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. I make every client read and outline this book – it’s that important. And the most critical lesson in the book is on how to get people to love you: get them to talk about themselves and what they care about. It’s not about you, or your stories. It’s about them. Ironically, if the person you are speaking with does a majority of the actual talking, they perceive you as a great conversationalist. From my point of view, that’s awesome, because it means I don’t have to do much beyond asking a few good questions and paying attention.

I know – this all sounds great, and you’ve probably heard it before. So what? How do you actually put it into practice? The book doesn’t directly answer the question of how do I start? But that’s why you have me – to fill you in on exactly that. Ready? Here’s the formula for starting a conversation.

The 4-Step Formula For Amazing Conversations With Anyone

#1: smile, make eye contact, and say hello

#2: give an uncommon compliment

#3: make a positive assumption

#4: ask a specific, inviting question

Let's dive into each of these.

#1: smile, make eye contact, and say hello

This may seem obvious, but sometimes we are so wrapped up in our own heads, that it’s easy to forget. Your smile shows that you are friendly, eye contact invites connection, and a simple greeting lets the other person know that someone new is talking to them. It’s not very common to just strike up a conversation with a stranger, so people are often not expecting it, and they need a second to process what’s happening. Give them a moment before you go on to the next steps – if they meet your eyes and smile, it’s a good sign to proceed.

#2: give an uncommon compliment

Compliments always feel great, right? Everyone likes to be praised. But certain compliments are given SO often that they don’t register as compliments anymore. For example, girls are told they are “pretty” about 100 times a day on dating apps, so if you say that to a girl, it doesn’t mean much. She’s desensitized to it (and it actually annoys her, because you’re now just like every other guy).

Further, people don’t typically put a lot of thought behind their compliments. They will usually say something like “I like that shirt” or “you’re so nice.” It’s hard to tell if they are being genuine, or just trying to be nice. Contrast that with saying something like “that shirt really brings out your eyes” or “you are so cheerful and positive.” Which ones seem more genuine? Which ones make it sound like the giver actually believes the compliment?

The first thing I said when I met my first girlfriend was “wow, is that blue nail polish? That’s my favorite color of nail polish on women.” It wasn’t actually that grandiose of a compliment, but how many guys do you think comment on women’s nail polish? It’s incredibly uncommon. Paying attention to those little details really pays off – because women put a lot of thought into the little details of their appearance, and you can make her feel great by acknowledging it. In general, it is acceptable to compliment fashion. Avoid complimenting physical traits in the beginning, as it will come across forward or cheesy.

#3: make a positive assumption

This is also called a pre-frame, where you tell someone they seem to have a positive characteristic before you know whether or not it is true. By doing this, the other person is more inclined to behave as if they did actually have that characteristic e.g. “you seem really friendly” makes that person act friendly towards you.

You don’t need to be uncommon here, because nobody does this. And you may be thinking but I don't know this person yet. And that’s the beautiful thing about this step – you don’t have to. Just compliment them on the personality trait you want them to exhibit.

For example, “you seem so goodhearted” or “you seem so genuine” or “you seem so warm.”

#4: ask a specific, inviting question

Most people ask boring ass questions when they meet new people.

Where do you live?

What do you do for work?

Or worse, yes/no questions.

Did you watch the game?

Have you been to this event before?

I wish someone would shoot me when I get these questions, because it shows ZERO creativity on the part of the other person. You’re basically passing the conversational buck to the other person, and hoping they come up with something interesting for you. This is incredibly selfish. So please, for the love of whatever you find holy, stop doing this.

Instead, you want to ask a question that is specific, yet invites the other person to share a story. Let me give you two examples of these steps together.

Example 1: “Hi :) I love the fullness of your southern accent, it’s very comforting. You seem like a classy gentleman. Why did you decide to move here?”

Example 2: “Hi :) I love that your socks match your earrings. You seem very confident. How did you learn to carry yourself in this way?”

Even if the person did not move here, or does not see him/herself as very confident, this will open up the conversation. And that’s the point.

Connecting Deeper

Once you have started the conversation in this way, the other person will want to connect with you, because you have shown that you are a genuine and thoughtful person. To create an even deeper bond between you two, use one of these four strategies:

#1: ask “why” about everything

Why did that happen? Why did you do that? Why did you enjoy that activity?

This shows that you are genuinely interested, another principle from How to Win Friends and Influence People.

#2: ask about their feelings

How did you feel when that happened?

People often get stuck telling you what happened, but real connection comes at the emotional, not historical level.

#3: ask them about memories related to the topic at hand

How did you learn to do that? What is the most unique experience you have with that activity? What did it feel like when you first did that?

These types of questions are more likely to draw out a story – and these are the stories people are just wishing someone would ask them about.

#4: offer your own perspective on the topic

Kids are great, but I don't think I'll have my own. I love taking care of my nieces for an afternoon, but I’ve never had an urge to be a father myself.

Share your genuine opinion on the subject, regardless of your experience level.

Do this everywhere

Put all of these pieces together and you will be well on your way towards forming incredible connections with new people. And this is critical for seducing women, because seduction is a skill that builds on top of having a great conversation. So start practicing this skill everywhere you go. At work, while waiting for the bus, at the grocery store, at a networking event, etc. Anywhere you encounter new people.

Because when you come across that cute girl you’ve been dreaming of, you’re going to be thinking “Oh my god she’s hot! Oh my god she’s hot!” but if you have practiced this skill, you will say the right things to make excellent conversation. It will have become second nature for you. Yes, you do need to add flirting (which we will cover later) but at least this will prevent you from not having anything to say, or bumbling around like an idiot (as I used to).

Recap of the formula

#1: smile, make eye contact, and say hello

#2: give an uncommon compliment

#3: make a positive assumption

#4: ask a specific, inviting question

Final tip: be sure to take. your. time. Speaking slowly, and even taking a pause (see my video on this) makes what you are saying way more seductive.

Previous chapter

So how did a 23-year-old, shy guy in a wheelchair go from zero success with women to dating 40+ women, getting his first kiss, losing his virginity, having 5 girlfriends, and being the life of the party wherever he goes? The strategies I still use, to this day, are spelled out in The 3 Step Guide to More Friends and More Dates – click the button below to download it (for free!) now.

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