This is a hot question this week. I answered it during a consult, and also saw it in email:
Hey Amin, I was amazed by the amount of simplistic yet detailed information in your blog post about striking up a conversation with anyone. As easy it may sound, it's especially hard when I'm in a classroom near a certain love interest. I've recently added her on Facebook, but my social skills start deteriorating when I'm around her, and I'm clueless as to what to say. Can you help?
Thanks for the compliment and the question, Alex. I have two answers for you, one short and one long.
Pull this girl aside for a moment, take a deep breath, and ASK HER OUT.
Are you kidding me? I know, I know…it's scary as hell. So here are 3 sentences that will help. Memorize them, and just say them to her. As soon as possible.
- Hey [her name], you’re beautiful.
- I’d like to take you out sometime.
- How does that sound?
And don’t say another word. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
If she’s excited, congratulations! Set up a date.
If she’s not, thank her for letting you know, and go be with people who love you and will not judge you, like your best friend. It may be awkward when you see her again, but you avoided an even worse outcome (see long answer).
First off, you should know that what you’re feeling and how you’re acting is completely normal. Even after approaching thousands of women and asking them out, I still feel anxious when there’s a girl in my social group that I’m interested in. If I chat her up and ask her out, this feeling evaporates.
If I don't ask her out, my mind starts to race, thinking of everything I could possibly do or say to get her to like me. I overanalyze everything, but every option I consider isn’t good enough, because she might not like it and it will blow my chances.
Sound familiar? Here's why this happens:
- Your primal brain is making sure you do WHATEVER it takes to avoid social rejection.
- Your primal brain is also SCREAMING for you to have sex with her.
These 2 instincts are a good thing. In fact, they are responsible for your existence. Your ancestors were able to survive by not being kicked out of their tribe (#1) and they passed on their DNA by finding a mate (#2).
However, in the situation you describe, these 2 instincts are having a face-off. You need to show interest in the girl to (eventually) have sex with her, but if she rejects you, you may lose face in your social group. Your instinct to survive is battling your instinct to mate. And since survival comes first, you experience the anxiety, deteriorating social skills, and lack of action. You freeze up, thinking better safe than sorry.
So you decide to wait. Until you have something good to say. Until you have the "right" opportunity. Until you have more confidence. But unlike in the movies, these "magical" moments don't actually happen. Here's what reality looks like.
You see her. Every. Day. You can’t breathe when you’re around her. You try to say something and just fumble with your words, or you don’t say anything at all. Either way, you go home and beat yourself up for letting ANOTHER day go by without any progress. You consider sending her a message on Facebook, but instead you just look through all her pictures every day, and “like” a few of her updates, hoping she takes notice. You ask all your friends for advice, and how to interpret the fact that she borrowed your pencil for a minute. You plan an event with one of her friends, but she doesn’t show up or if she does, you barely talk to each other. And just when you have thought of the perfect way to know for sure if she is interested in you, you discover that she hooked up with one of your friends last weekend.
This, dear reader, is pure torture.
How do I know? I’ve been there.
I had a massive crush on one girl for THREE YEARS in college. We spent a ton of time together (we were in the same major and social circle) and it was excruciating. Plus, one of the friends I asked for advice – he was casually dating my crush the entire time.
I know the situation was uncomfortable for her (we're friends now), and she didn’t want to destroy my shred of self-esteem with a rejection, but I honestly wish she had. Or better yet, I wish I had the balls to ask her out. I would have gotten shot down, spent a good amount of time in the fetal position, but finally moved on with my life.
Don’t make the same mistake I did. Ask her out. As soon as you possibly can.
I do this all the time now. Even if I can’t get the girl alone. Even if I haven’t built up much “rapport”. Even if I say something really stupid.
And what's the result of asking women out? I get rejected. A LOT. And it fucking sucks.
Some people say you shouldn't fear rejection because you can always find new friends. But that's not the point. Research shows that our brains processes social rejection in the same way as physical pain. Just like you need to tend to physical wounds, you need to tend to the feeling of rejection – by seeking out love and connection. When I experience a particularly painful rejection, I share the story with someone who loves me, like my sister, or a very close friend.
However, as much as rejection stings, it sure as hell beats the torture of waiting for her to show interest in me. Because even though I get rejected constantly, I actually go on dates now, with a variety of women I'm attracted to, instead of just waiting for that one to take notice.
I highly recommend you do the same. Feel that fear of rejection, and ask her out anyway.
Let me know how this works in the comments.
Do you freeze up around attractive women? Have you never kissed a girl? Have you never had a girlfriend? Do you feel that everybody else has friends but you don’t? I’ve been there. And it sucks.
Here's my 30 second story:
I use a wheelchair and I have a degenerative muscle condition. I was always the shy, nerdy kid, and I had ZERO success with women – my first kiss didn't happen until I was 22 years old. I went to an Ivy League University and landed my dream job at Microsoft, but I was miserable. After the girl I was in love with told me, "I don't know how any woman could be attracted to a guy in a wheelchair," I hired a dating coach to turn my life around. Now, my social calendar is booked weeks in advance, and I get to choose the friends that I really want to spend time with. Now, I've been on 60+ dates, I've enjoyed sex and intimacy with several women, and I've had incredible girlfriends.
If you desire similar experiences, I know I can help you. Get my practical tips for improving your social and dating life by signing up below. I would love to help you, because now that I've experienced these massive improvements in my life, I wish someone would have stepped in much earlier and helped me.