Something amazing happened last weekend – one of my clients got his FIRST number close. They always say the first one is the hardest, and it is, because if you have never done it before, it’s hard to believe that you can go up to a woman and smoothly get her number. And once you crack that first one, the next one is SO much easier (he got another one two days later).
But this particular number close wasn’t a run-of-the-mill variety. He didn’t just say the right words and get her number. In fact, when he first told her he was going to get her number, she declined, saying “I’m not sure about giving my number to a stranger.”
And my client responded with “yeah, you’re right, but what’s the worst that could happen? I could be a really fun guy and take you out on a date. Would that be so bad?”
Now, I don’t necessarily think those are magical words. I wouldn’t generally say them myself, quite honestly, because if she’s not ready to give you her number, trying to directly convince her that you are not creepy/weird/forward isn’t going to help. You want to signal those things, not say them. In this case, though, it worked, because he had already built up a solid connection with her over their 15 minute conversation.
And THAT is the real challenge – keeping the conversation going. This particular client had become totally comfortable opening as well as closing women, because that follows a repeatable structure, but when he was actually engaging in a conversation, his mind would go blank, and he wouldn’t know what to say. Specifically, he struggled after giving someone a compliment, because they usually just replied with a short answer, like “thanks.” And he had no idea what to do after that.
So instead of just giving him an answer for that one situation, I gave him the analogy that I think about what I’m trying to carry a conversation – I call it “playing conversational catch.”
Imagine that you have a tennis ball (if that reminds you of what is between your legs, you need to get that checked out ASAP). When you say something, you are tossing the ball to the other person, and when they say something back, they are tossing the ball back to you. The way to make it a fun conversation – is to play with what they give you (i.e. put a little spin on the ball when you throw it back). So if they toss the ball to you with just a “thanks,” you want to throw it back to them with some sort of play on the “thanks.”
And how do you play with that one cold, harsh word? By adopting a playfully pouty demeanor, and saying, “what, you’re not going to give me a compliment back?” Because that is a completely unexpected response, and assuming you get the demeanor correct, you will make the girl laugh.
And that lets her know, that you want to play. Girls love to play – it’s why they look for humor in guys. But they aren’t going to make the first move and bust out the humor, because that’s your job as the man. Just like it’s your job to get her number first, text her first, call her first, plan a date first, pay for a date first, initiate and escalate physical contact first. You always have to do it first. And I get it, that is scary as fuck. Because you might get rejected, and that will hurt. But that’s how it works, and taking the initiative without knowing for sure that she is interested is what makes you a man.
When you approach a woman, in that first conversational back and forth, she is gauging whether or not you are a man – whether or not you have the balls to take initiative. If you play with what she gives you, it shows that you are a man, and that you have balls of steel, so she is more likely to be attracted to you (even if you’re in a wheelchair, like me).
So back to the girl who said she wasn’t sure about giving her number to a stranger – instead of just shutting down and running away, my client threw the ball back with a fun spin on it. And then so did she. And that, you charming stud, is a fun conversation. And fun conversations lead to fun times, like getting her number, going on dates, kissing, and yes, even sex.
So the next time you get into a conversation with a woman, throw the ball back with a fun spin on it. But bro – hold up, are you even meeting women?
You might understand this and think "that all sounds nice, but I don't even know what to say to start!" Most dating advice says it doesn't matter, and I agree, but I HATE that answer with every fiber in my body. Because the engineer inside me says "there must be a path!"
So fine, I'll give you the words. The words I still use to this day. Will you do it then?
In fact, I'll do you one better. Because I get it – approaching women can feel like lifting heavy weights. If you haven't done much approaching, going up to a girl and saying "hey, I think you're cute, and I'd like to meet you" is like trying to bench-press 500 lbs on your first day at the gym. Yikes.
So I'm breaking it down for you step by step, to help you gradually become more comfortable approaching – and I present to you the 7 Day Destroy Approach Anxiety Challenge (patent pending! – but not really though).
When you sign up (it's free, BTW), I will send you 1 email every morning for the next 7 days (unsubscribe at any time) with your challenge for the day. The first day will be SUPER simple, and each day will build upon the last, so instead of your brain going into a panic when you step out of your comfort zone, it will think "okay, this is not so different from what I'm used to" and you will keep going.
So what do you say? Are you ready to grab your balls (figuratively man, put those away!) and finally have the confidence to approach women you find attractive? Sign up below and let's get to work, son.
YEAH. UNH. (manly grunts)
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The Dating Coach on Wheels
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