Let's just stop with the "mindsets" of dating [Chapter 1]
I’m so tired of every dating book that starts with a monstrosity of information about the “mindsets” you need to have to be good at dating women. Not because it’s bad information, but because it’s out of order.
Here’s the truth: if you look like a slob, spend all your free time reading technology news, and never get the balls to ask a woman on a date, you’re not going to get very far, no matter what “mindsets” you think you’re developing. There’s enough information about mindsets out there (if someone sends me another Tony Robbins video, I’m seriously going to flip out). So if you’re looking for that, you’re not going to find it here.
Look – I’m a skinny, short guy in a wheelchair. I have gone on dates with over 40 women, had 5 girlfriends, and 7 sexual partners – you would think that of ALL people, I have the “mindsets” nailed, right? Because in order to get those results, I have approached and been rejected by THOUSANDS of women. So it must be the case that I am unaffected by rejection, and that I have “shifted my perception” to view it in a positive light, right?
Nope, and I never will. At least not in the moment. Because these “mindsets” sound nice in theory, and they might even work for a little bit, but they are not sustainable. Shit happens. Things go awry. For example, I recently went on a fantastic first date with a girl I met on OkCupid. We got to know each other very well, very quickly. There was plenty of chemistry, and we were even taking silly pictures of each other. At the beginning of the date, she said “we are NOT going to your place tonight” yet we ended up making out on my couch at the end of the night, and we discussed our sexual preferences as I drove her home. I had good reason to be excited.
So you can imagine my surprise when we spoke on the phone a few days later and she said “Amin, I had SUCH a great time on our date. You’re so handsome, you’re such a good kisser, and you’re really fun to talk to, BUT…I don’t think I could date you because of your disability.”
Try that on for devastating.
And the “mindsets” are of little help here. Because even though I have heard this exact same sentiment SEVERAL times in the past (including from the first girl I ever asked out and kissed), even though I know that every “no” will lead to a “yes”, even though I know that I’m worthy of a wonderful woman, even though I know that I’m a catch, it didn’t matter.
I. Still. Felt. Like. Shit.
Yet I told myself that I just need to look forward, and not let this stop my progress. That I should think like a “confident guy”, a guy who has multiple women vying for his attention. And that I shouldn’t be feeling bad about what just happened. And that’s what I hate about all this “mindset” talk – it makes you feel like shit for feeling like shit. When the truth is that it’s actually abnormal to NOT feel bad when a girl shuts you down.
A better strategy is to find coping mechanisms for when things go wrong. The best strategy I have found is journaling – it is always available, and it forces me to slow down. Things are often worse in our heads because we let them spiral out of control. Putting pen to paper brings a sense of order and calmness to that storm.
Sharing your mistakes and struggles with someone who loves you unconditionally (like a family member or a close friend) is also critical. But with another human being, you need to be mindful of their needs, otherwise you’ll overdo it (Dr. Brené Brown wrote the most practical guide for how to be appropriately vulnerable with others in her book, Daring Greatly). Professional counseling also seems promising (I just started) as a way of talking and getting things out of your system.
Because if you don’t, and you try to pretend that it’s all okay, it will slowly eat away at you, and come out when you least expect (or want) it to. In the case of the OkCupid girl, I was doing great otherwise – there was another girl I was seeing that I was also really connecting with. I had no obvious reason to complain. But over the next few days, I couldn’t shake a certain cloudiness. A certain slowness. I couldn’t focus, like there was a block in the way of my thoughts.
And a few days later, it all came gushing out, as I was talking to my mom. I told her that I know there are more women out there, and that I know my condition will not be a dealbreaker for every woman, but it just bummed me out. Because I’ve changed so much about myself, to mold myself into a man that women love to date, yet despite it all, the one thing that mattered was the one thing I could not change.
And honestly, she didn’t say much. She didn’t offer any solutions or great wisdom that I remember. It was just the fact that she listened that made me feel better. Because I knew she loved me and she didn’t think my condition made me less desirable. That she understood that my disability has made me the man I am – that I wouldn’t have the wonderful combination of characteristics that women (and people) love about me, if I didn’t have this condition. Of course, I already knew all of that. And I could have recited a “mantra” to remind myself of it.
But it wouldn't work, because we are hardwired for love and approval. When it is ripped away (by rejection, for example) we need to mend the wound with love and approval from someone else.
And that is scary to say. Because there is so much advice out there that tells us to “love yourself first” and “believe in yourself first.” But I don’t think that’s true. We’re certainly not born that way – our mothers have to love us first for us to survive.
Similarly, if my dating coach hadn't believed in me, I would have never had any success dating. And hell, I would NEVER have had the confidence to become a dating coach, or a fashion consultant, or a public speaker, without an unwavering belief from my best friend. He has never had a single shred of doubt in me – that I will be great, that I will make an impact, that I will help the masses. Every. Single. Time.
And in reality, that’s what you need. Not mindsets. Not more seminars. Just incredible people that love you and believe in you.
So starting with the mindsets is a waste of time. Because action is the name of the game. Bummed that you don’t have something to do this weekend? Do something about it. Wish you had more friends? Do something about it. Ashamed that you’ve never kissed a girl? Do something about it.
My perspective on life has always been that: just tell me what to do. I was born with a disability, but I still want to learn, I still want to play, I still want to have a career. Don’t coddle me, don’t tell me I can’t, and definitely don’t slow me down. Just tell me what to do to get there, and I’ll do it.
This book is my way of sharing what to do to get what I always wanted most, yet had no clue how to do: to make friends and go on dates.
So how did a 23-year-old, shy guy in a wheelchair go from zero success with women to dating 40+ women, getting his first kiss, losing his virginity, having 5 girlfriends, and being the life of the party wherever he goes? The strategies I still use, to this day, are spelled out in The 3 Step Guide to More Friends and More Dates – click the button below to download it (for free!) now.