When I get the girl, my life will be complete

No one has said those exact words to me, but the undertone has always been there, especially in my brown (South Asian) culture.

  • Through the enormous, elaborate, multi-day weddings we throw (I would way rather use the money for something else, to be honest).
  • Through my grandmother’s blessings, which always end with a particular emphasis on how she prays that my “pairing may happen” and that she will still be alive to see it (how’s that for pressure?).
  • And through my mom’s final words as she kisses my head before going to bed, “tere sapno khi rahne tuje milegee” – which is Urdu for “I pray that you will find the princess of your dreams.”

You might think you know where this is going, but hold it right there, because this isn’t the standard fuck you society, I don’t need a woman to be happy post.

Because shit, I do want to get the girl. I do want to find that person. That partner in crime. That yin to my yang.

So I get excited when I come across a girl I click with. Like this one, who has an affinity for fine writing utensils, as I do (my messages are purple).

OkCupid conversation

And I also get bummed, when I get a text like this (from the same girl, my messages are blue).

Text conversation

I actually got the above text the morning of my big speech at Bellevue City Hall, where I said “there is no greater strength than having the courage to talk to a woman that I find attractive – and to have that courage no matter how many times I’ve been shot down in the past.”

The irony was not lost on me. And at first, I chuckled, and thought to myself, wow, this girl really picked the perfect timing. I thought about it briefly and got on with my day – I didn’t have time to get upset about it. I needed to be on my A game for the speech.

And I was – I absolutely nailed the speech. I was even offered a job at the City of Bellevue (not a good fit for me, but here’s the link for anyone interested). Plus, I was surrounded by loving friends and family after the speech, so I had all but forgotten about this girl. I thought to myself, I’m fine, and I just need to get on to the next one (like Jay Z).

But the next day, I couldn’t help but feel this…numbness to everything. I couldn’t focus. I didn’t care about being social. The only courage I could muster was to ask a girl where she got her backpack from (she told me and I just rolled away).

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why am I feeling this way?

I considered calling a friend, but I didn’t – I didn’t want to bother them. They had all just come out to support me, how could I keep asking for more?

And finally, at the end of the day, a friend called me. And I just got to talk. I got to tell him that I felt like crap. That I was bummed about this girl. Because we had similar interests, we had talked on the phone for over an hour, and I was really looking forward to taking her on a date. But now that wasn’t going to happen, and I felt pathetic for letting it bring me down, because I should have been happy.

My friend listened, emphatically told me that I’m NOT pathetic, and shared how he has felt the same way with rejection in the past – and how it has really weighed down on him. The funny thing is that I was there, on the phone with him, when he was dealing with that rejection, but that doesn’t mean rejection doesn’t faze me – I still need to mend my emotional wounds.

And I was able to do that by talking to my friend, who helped me understand that I’m not alone in this struggle, which is a huge relief.

And this is precisely why I focus on building friendships and pursuing romantic relationships. Because I do want to find that princess of my dreams, but that process is quite the roller coaster. If you have solid friendships, they will support you in staying grounded when you’re really excited, and being resilient when you’re hurt.

I also expressed frustration to my friend, about my luck with women in general. Because honestly, I am SO tired of it not working out. When am I going to find the girl? When am I going to get my grandma off my back? (jk, but really grams, let’s cool it, kay?) 

In the past 15 months, I’ve dated 4 women that I’ve had an amazing connection with, but for one reason or another, it hasn’t worked out. And this girl felt like the fifth.

And as soon as I said those words – it hit me. 5 girls? In 15 months? And I had a great connection with all of them? I would have LOVED to have this problem a few years ago – when the girl I was in love with told me, point blank, “I don’t see myself dating a guy in a wheelchair.”

I realized that I needed to meet WAY more women, and learn how to approach them effectively. If you're in the same boat, where you're overly focused on one girl, you need to expand your horizons, and you need to do it now.

You might understand this and think "I'd love to, but I don't know what to say!" Most dating advice says it doesn't matter, and I agree, but I hate that answer. Because the engineer inside me says "there must be a path!"

So fine, I'll give you the words. The words I still use to this day. Will you do it then?

In fact, I'll do you one better. Because I get it – approaching women can feel like lifting heavy weights. If you haven't done much approaching, going up to a girl and saying "hey, I think you're cute, and I'd like to meet you" is like trying to bench-press 500 lbs on your first day at the gym. Yikes.

So I'm breaking it down for you step by step, to help you gradually become more comfortable approaching – and I present to you the 7 Day Destroy Approach Anxiety Challenge (patent pending! – but not really though).

When you sign up (it's free, BTW), I will send you 1 email every morning for the next 7 days (unsubscribe at any time) with your challenge for the day. The first day will be SUPER simple, and each day will build upon the last, so instead of your brain going into a panic when you step out of your comfort zone, it will think "okay, this is not so different from what I'm used to" and you will keep going.

So what do you say? Are you ready to grab your balls (figuratively man, put those away!) and finally have the confidence to approach women you find attractive? Sign up below and let's get to work, son.

YEAH. UNH. (manly grunts)

Amin
The Dating Coach on Wheels

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Photo by kiuikson